


Just Tell Me

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-16 21:28:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29214174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Hurt/Comfort fic about Sirius and Remus. Sirius struggles with years of abuse from his parents and all Remus wants to do is help him. All characters belong to J.K. Rowling and I took some inspiration from other writers as well, such as MsKingBean89. You should def check out their work!
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> self harm warning
> 
> not edited :p

He often saw him standing at the large, silver mirror in their shared bathrooms, fussing and whatnot with his long, dark hair. Maybe a bit more than normal, but Remus shaken his head, assuming it was a vain response to the attention of girls of their year.

He had always gotten along with them. They were a bit calmer and their time together was less apt to end in detention. Remus had always disliked the noise in the common room, especially when he had studies to do. So, he found himself ending up in the library more often than not, which was coincidentally where Lily and Mary and often a group of other girls ended up as well. Remus quickly found he had much in common with Lily; their senses of humor similar and obvious scholarly talents caught each other when they fell short. Lately, though, things had changed.

The girls suddenly seemed much more interested in the boys of their year. They tittered on relentlessly until he frowned and set off to find another room to study in. 

***

It was one such Thursday night, cold and dark out, when Remus found himself in the library. He had sacked off on a ten inch charms essay and now found it difficult to ignore the growing worry in his chest. Lily had followed him after dinner and plopped down next to him, pulling out what looked like Astronomy. Maybe Ancient Runes. Remus had always had trouble with Astronomy. It was a cruel joke, he figured, having his life so controlled by a certain celestial body yet never being able to grasp its neighbors. But Lily had always been good at remembering positions of moons and stars.

She had told him endlessly about muggle astrology, of birth signs and whatnot, but Remus had always thought it sounded finicky. He never told her though. They had been sitting there for some time when the rest of the group filed in.

“Hiya!” Mary trilled, walking in her usual bouncing gate.

“‘Ello.” Lily responded, not looking up. He felt it a tad rude to ignore her, though he very much wanted to finish his charms work, so lifting his head slightly, Remus nodded in acknowledgment.

“Whatcha doing?” Mary inquired. She pulled out a chair and almost fell into the chair next to Remus. 

“Charms. I’m busy, though.” He responded with a scowl.

Mary looked hurt, so he quickly apologized. She accepted though turned a blind eye to him and chatted with Lily. Remus looked down at his parchment, eager to continue writing his essay and relieve the stress of the assignment. He had always excelled at charms, so it went by quickly, and soon he had ten inches of small, cramped writing featuring the merits of vanishing spells and their counter curses. 

He turned his attention back to Mary and apologized again for earlier, though she seemed to have forgotten all about it, and eagerly pulled him into their conversation.

“So, what do you think?”  
“About what?” Remus was confused at what Mary was getting at. He had heard Sirius’s name come up, as well as a few other boys in their year, but she talked notoriously fast and he had trouble keeping up.

Mary rolled her eyes and explained again, “Well, we’re deciding whose the best looking in our grade. We’ve got to get good ones for Hogsmeade this weekend!” Remus blinked in confusion. 

“You dolt,” she continued, “Its the first outing of the year and we’ve got to start out with a bang! I say Sirius or James, though I supposed its just cause we know them. There’s a Ravenclaw 7th year who looks just like Sean Connery, but with better hair. Do y’know who that is?”

Remus nodded, though felt a bit miffed to be included in their girly conversations. “I’m a bloke. Why are you asking me?”

“Sorry, Rem,” Mary responded, seeming to realize his annoyance. Her eyes brightened, “Hey! You could go with one of us! Y’know, if we don’t find anyone else. Plus we know you; seems a bit dodgy to go with someone we don’t.”

“Sure, I guess.”

Suddenly, Lily stood up, stretching her arms high above. She was objectively pretty, though Remus had never taken a fancy to her. He supposed it was cause of James, but he had never really wanted anyone. It scared him a little so naturally he pushed it away, like the rest of his problems. She slid her bag onto her shoulder and glanced at him in silent questioning. He rolled his parchment and stowed his quills in his bag. They waved goodbye to Mary and the others and started off through the hallway. They walked through the dim passages for several minutes in silence before Lily started with a groan of annoyance.

“I hate it when things get going like that.” 

Remus blinked in interest. They often left early, though he had always figured that she enjoyed being with the girls. He said it almost as a question “They’re your friends though?” 

“Yeah, yeah, Mary’s my closest mate, but she’s so into the boys, I just can’t deal with it. Don’t you get annoyed?” 

Remus laughed. They walked for a while more before he had the courage to ask. “You a queer?”

Her face darkened to a deep shade of crimson and she burst out “No, you twat! What kind of question was that? Are you?”

He turned his eyes to the ground. “No.”

She glared back at him for a second before sighing and returning to her normal shade and tone. “Wanna smoke?”

“You’ve got fags?”

“Nah, just pot.” She pulled out a small tin holding a joint.

It had come as a surprise at first to Remus that Lily was into that kind of stuff. He had done it before with James, Sirius, and Pete, though they usually preferred to get pissed. Remus had always avoided vomiting at all costs, so drinking often felt like more of a chore, especially when it came with the heavy price of a hangover the next day. But he had always liked smoking. Maybe it was something about the steady inhale-exhale of it. 

The first time they had smoked together was after a quidditch match in their fourth year. James and Sirius enjoyed throwing massive parties after their victories, and though Remus would never tell them, he absolutely detested the debauchery and noise of them. So he had found himself sitting with Lily in the corner, quietly taking in the party around them. She had mentioned being bored, and he knew she shared his dislike of alcohol, so he had jokingly said they should smoke. They had ended up giggling together, heads heavy, curled up in a blanket for hours, and though Remus would never admit it, it was the most fun he’d had in months.

As they made their way over to the greenhouses, they kept mostly quiet. It was easy being around Lily. Nose full with the scent of earthy blooms, he pulled off his book bag and dropped it on the ground.

Lily pinched the joint between her index and middle fingers daintily, “Want the first hit? It's always the best.”

“Nah, it’s your shit. I’d feel bad.”

She laughed and lit the end with her wand. Remus had always been a bit jealous about how good she was with doing charms without speaking. He had never quite mastered it, and it remained a sore spot. She sucked in slowly and passed the spliff to him.

He lifted it to his lips as she watched him intently, holding her breath. She exhaled slowly releasing a cloud of smoke. She didn’t as for it back, so he took another hit. She locked eyes with him.

“Y’know, if you’re queer,” she said carefully, “its alright with me. I won’t tell anyone.”

“I’m not.” He replied sharply. “What are you doing for the Hogsmeade trip?” 

They talked, minds heavy with the pot, for another hour, before Lily jumped up quickly with a curse and said she had to go somewhere or another. Remus bid her farewell and slid his back against the smooth glass of the greenhouse to ride out the rest of his high.

He tried to clear his mind, though what Lily had said weighed on him.

Later that night, Remus pushed open their bathroom door to find Sirius, shirt off, in front of the mirror. He had jumped and seemed to be fixing his hair when Remus had walked in. But he knew better.

He had pushed open the door a crack to check if the bathroom was occupied, only to find Sirius jabbing at his stomach with his wand. It was an odd thing to see which, Remus told himself, was why he had kept watching him. He admired his body, strong, with broad shoulders Remus himself had never had and always envied. 

Shit. Maybe he was a queer, Remus laughed at himself. This thought, though he pushed it away with a laugh, had spurred his decision to make himself known.

“Preening, I see. Gotta keep up your ratings.” Remus said wryly.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Moony.” Sirius shot back, rolling his eyes and grabbing his stuff from the bathroom. He kept his arm over the area of his stomach he had been prodding at earlier, though Remus didn’t notice.

***  
(moved to Sirius’s perspective)

He had started doing it the year he arrived at Hogwarts, following the Howler his mum sent. As much as he didn’t want to care, every word pierced him like an arrow. He had cried in secret, too ashamed to let anyone, much less someone like James Potter, who had always been the shining success of his family, know that he almost wished he was a Slytherin. Almost. Because eventually, he would remember his family and their horrors, his heart sharp with anger.

But this didn’t stop him from carving little marks into his body, matching the ones his mother and father gave him. He liked watching the skin rip apart slowly and the blood drip out. He couldn’t even feel the pain anymore. When he had gone home last, and his mother ordered him to pull off his shirt in punishment, she had congratulated him on continuing her work.

It was the first time she had praised him in years.

***  
(moved back to Remus’s perspective)

After brushing his teeth, Remus headed back to the dormitories. It wasn’t all that late, so he figured he might find Sirius again for a game of exploding snap or gobstones. He wasn’t all that fond of playing chess with Sirius, whose skills had been honed by the Black family since he was small, and he hadn’t seen James or Peter anywhere. 

Their dormitory was dark, which Remus thought was rather odd. But the Marauders (specifically him) had strict policies about not opening hangings when they were shut and he sighed in disappointment. As he pushed open the door, Remus heard a small sound.

“Not with me in the room, Padfoot, you nastly wanker!” He shouted. It came out a bit meaner than he thought, but he was kinda serious. 

“Moony!” Sirius’s beet red face poked through the crimson curtains, almost matching them. “I am not doing what you think I’m doing.”

“I’m not!” He scowled following Remus’s look of disbelief. “Wanna check?”

He laughed and looked back at him, starting a bit when he saw Sirius. His eyes were red rimmed and shiny. He almost looked like he had been crying. But he never cried.

“Are you…” Remus started, feeling a bit unsure. The Marauders never talked about feelings. For a while, he had been sure none of them even had them. Except Peter, who had always been a bit softer. But Sirius? In six years of knowing him, Remus could count the number of times he had seen him cry on one hand. “Alright?”

“Yeah, now bugger off.” Sirius looked down. His earlier redness had faded, but a pink stripe of embarrassment hung on his cheekbones.

Remus started towards the door, but jerked around to face him again. He walked over slowly, giving every chance for Sirius to tell him off, but he didn’t. When he reached his four-poster, he sat down a bit on the edge. He sat there for a moment, unmoving, next to Sirius. The dark haired boy curled inward on himself, to which Remus couldn’t discern sadness or shame. He lifted his arm and lightly touched his fingers to Sirius’s opposite shoulder. He flinched sharply and Remus withdrew his arm.

“No, no, it was nice…” Sirius trailed off, looking at him. He went even pinker at the confused look the other boy gave him. “You can...put your arm back.” They sat there for several minutes, Sirius wrapped loosely in his arms, before he pulled his head down into Remus’s worn in jumper.

“Thank you.” Sirius whispered, almost inaudibly.


	2. 2

The next day passed without mention of the evening before, even as Remus prodded Sirius for an explanation. At breakfast, he had sat down in his usual seat across the table and nodded in greeting, but he had barely opened his mouth before the boy across from him had imperceptibly turned his body away, speaking loudly to James about an upcoming quidditch match. Remus had frowned and figured it was only natural to avoid talking of such matters in a public area.

After their first class (transfiguration), Remus quickly packed up his stuff and ran into the empty hallway after Sirius. 

“Hey!” He puffed, “Wait up!”

“Sorry, Moony, I’m late. See ya later!” He shouted over his shoulder, walking quickly in the other direction. 

Remus pulled at his robes anxiously, twirling the starchy cotton around his fingers until James had caught up with him. As his friend chatted away about their upcoming exams, he nodded along in agreement and dropped the occasional uh huh or yeah, but his mind remained on the previous night. It had been so odd seeing Sirius as anything but overconfident and loud, and he was desperate to discuss it, though it felt improper to tell James or Peter, and even worse to tell the girls. So he resigned himself to cornering the dark haired mystery. Somehow. 

As they climbed the many stairs to the Divintion tower, Remus planned for that evening. Sirius had refused to take divination, much to his mother’s displeasure. In her howlers she had called it an honorable skill, so of course he refused it. Remus actually envied him, as the teacher was stuffy and old and the room was a million stories up. His breathing quickened as he headed up the stairs. He wondered how James had managed to talk the whole way up. 

***  
(Sirius’s perspective)

It was good that Sirius knew the castle so well because after the close call with Remus at lunch he had been scattered all day. He knew he should be able to tell any of his friends anything, but if he liked anything it was to be in control. But when he racked his mind for what Remus might say in response, he was at loss. He could picture the sandy-hair boy lifting his spindly fingers to his hair and raking through. His mouth opened but suddenly Sirius became deaf and the werewolf’s features darkened in disgust, or was it fear? He panicked, breathing quickening, blood rushing through his ears. He was near to breaking down when he felt a sharp pain in his left foot.

Marlene McKinnon, who he supposed could be considered his friend, though more part of Lily’s group of library girls than his own, had stomped on his foot. It wasn’t that he disliked the girls, he definitely liked them, he had just never found himself as interested in them as he was with the Marauders. They often hung out together in groups, though it was rare to find Sirius and one of the girls together one on one, unless of course it was of the romantic sort. Of all of them, though, he thought Marlene was the most interesting. They had Ancient Runes together without any of the others so they often conversed in the hallways to and from the small, corner classroom. She had silky black hair and dark eyes, and was a right good quidditch player. Maybe as good as James, though he would never say that to him. She had also never been quite as interested in him as the others, always preferring to go off with a pretty girl or two when they went to Hogsmeade or at parties.

“He's asking you a question, you twat,” she muttered under her breath. Following Sirius’s look of surprise, “Translate the rune. On page one hundred twenty-three.” She rolled her eyes in annoyance.

He answered the question quickly before returning to his daydream. Or daymare, he supposed. It was just all two frightening, taking a chance on reaction, so he resolved to avoid Remus and his curious grey eyes. 

On the way back to the castle, Marlene chatted with him endlessly as they made their way to their next class, Astronomy. Sirius supposed it would be nice to have her as a closer friend, especially as the daunting prospect of ignoring Moony was upon him, so he responded gailey. It was much easier than he thought, and he found himself wondering why he hadn’t enjoyed her company more in the past. When they got there, he picked the seat farthest away from Remus. Marlene looked curiously at him, but didn’t say anything.

The class passed uneventfully, though he did notice grey eyes watching him, though Remus never made any motion to talk to him. After class, Sirius was swept up in a halo of long dark hair as Marlene grabbed his arm. “Come with me,” she whispered, “We need to chat.”

He soon found himself pushing the heavy doors in the Great Hall open for them and stepping out into the cool autumn air. Fiddling with the clasp on his bookbag, he nervously awaited some kind of verbal assault. She tossed her head back in the air, shaking her locks around and stretched in the weak sunlight. “That was brutal,” she started, “I almost fell asleep!” He nodded in agreement, glad that it didn’t seem to be the serious talk he had feared.

“Care to explain what that was all about?”

He turned with a start. Fuck. “What…” he said slowly.

“You. Lupin.” she said with a smirk, “What’s going on?”

“Nothing.”

“Not what it seemed like.”

“Bugger off, you minger.”

She glared at him. “No need to be such a dick. I’m sorry you’re having issues, but if you’re going to be awful I’m just going to leave you to sulk.”  
“Sorry,” he frowned, “I’m having a shit day.”

“I can tell,” she laughed, seeming to have forgiven him. “But I am not a minger.”

He cocked an eyebrow at her and questioned, “Do, pray tell?” 

She blushed beet red, “Let's go back to talking about you. What's with you and Remus and your little lovers quarrel?”

“We’re not lovers. I’m not...like that. And I don’t want to talk about it.”

She huffed a giggle, shrugging it off with a whatever, but Sirius almost wanted to tell her. But what would he tell her? I’m avoiding him because he walked in on me - he couldn’t even think the word as shame curled in his stomach. The Black family had never been secretive about this disciplinary measures, even going so far as to recommend it at Christmas parties, when their sense of decorum had been lowered with alcohol and their small beliefs in right and wrong washed away. But he had always hidden his family's additions to his body from those he knew. Especially the ones he added himself.

It was pointless to panic, and he thought he had hidden himself well enough from Remus. The afternoon had calmed him and his fears at lunch seemed distant. He could talk to him tonight. The werewolf didn’t know anything. He couldn’t know anything.

***

Later that evening, Sirius sat in one of the stiff wooden chairs in the common room. He had never understood how the others could do their work curled in armchairs. The dark mahogany had always calmed and grounded him. He peered down at his Astronomy work. It was something to do with Saturn and its moons. His long hair falling into his face, Sirius scribbled intently at his parchment, careful not to smear any of the notes he included alongside messy drawings. Art had never been his strongest point, and usually he preferred to ask Remus help him with them, but he was nowhere to be found, and despite his resolution earlier, the dark haired boy found himself anxious at the prospect of talking to him. It seemed luck was on his side, though, as the rest of the fifth years seemed to have left the common room, likely for the library.

Sirius was entrapped in his work for several hours, finding it much more difficult to identify and predict the moons’ positions than he originally thought. The common room gradually emptied until a few young second years remained, gossiping by the fireplace. He looked up quickly when he noticed James and Lily walk in. His eyes widened in surprise, though fell again when the other boy mouthed just studying to him with a frown. Sirius pushed his hair back and returned at least she doesn’t hate you, though James seemed to have not mastered the art of lip reading and looked confused.

“Well, I’m absolutely knackered,” Lily started, “Goodnight, Potter.”

“Yeah,” he responded, looking so desperately in love it was hard for Sirius to keep his grin in check. “Have a good night!” he called after her as she retreated up the stairs to the girls dormitories.

“Night, Pads,” he called with a yawn, “I’m off to bed, too.”

Sirius nodded, frowning back at his paper. It was nice that James had finally managed to even become friends, though he was a bit bothered at the interruption. He resolved to stay focussed until he finished. He didn’t notice when the chair across from him scraped the floors on its way out or when a certain sandy-haired boy sat across from him. But he felt the grey eyes pierce him. 

“Hello,” whispered Remus nervously, “What are you working on?”

“Astronomy.”

“Oh. Lily and I did that right after lessons. I can help if you like.”

“It's alright, I’m nearly done anyway.”

“Oh. Ok.” He opened his book and pulled the crimson and gold bookmark from the pages. James’s mum had given it to him last Christmas when he had visited after a long lecture about not dog earing pages. Or so he had been told. Sirius had never been allowed to visit the Potters’ house, as his mother and father had screeched, squandering blood-traitors' cesspit. From what he had seen in pictures, though, the Potter house held the same grandeur as his own, though seemed to be filled with light and love rather than darkness. He looked down at his paper, hair flopping in his eyes and around his ears.

“What are you looking at?” Sirius challenged.

“Nothing,” he responded, grey eyes wide.

“Then why are you still here.” he said it as less of a question. Packing the days frustration into four words, he finished with, “Just leave me alone.”

“Why are you so angry with me? What did I do?” Remus snarled. Sometimes, Sirius thought the wolfishness came out more than once a month.

“Ugh, just leave me alone.”

“No! You have ignored me all day and no you are being like this. You don’t get to be shitty and not tell me why,” his voice cracked on the last words, turning from hot anger to a plaintive cry. “It's not fair.”

“You are so goddamn fucking annoying. Just leave.”

Sirius watched him go, his mouth tight in anger. The werewolf’s gangly legs ran uncoordinated up the stairs, his ankles peeking from where his pants were too short. He turned back to his Astronomy, but the page was blurry with fury. There was a wet drop on the parchment, blurring the ink. Motherfucking shit. He stared up at the ceiling for a moment before realizing it came from the sting of his eyes. He let his hair fall over him in a dark curtain and let one more tear drip before balling his hands into fists.

***  
(Remus’s perspective)

Why was he so angry, thought Remus. He roughly pulled on his plaid, flannel pajama bottoms and rummaged through his stuff for the shirt. Bloody hell. His fingers clasped around worn fabric just as he was starting to lose it. But it was only a worn in t-shirt featuring the Beatles, one of his favorite bands. Remus and Sirius had always agreed that, whatever powers they might possess, muggle music was truly magical.

Sirius had given him the shirt the Christmas before. He said he had got it at the shops near his family’s home. He had come back to Hogwarts that year and seemed normal, but Remus couldn’t forget his odd twitches or the fear in his eyes when his cousins passed them in the hallway. It was odd, because he didn’t know Sirius was afraid of anything. But most of all, he remembered the moment when he had tapped him on his right shoulder. The dark haired boy had pulled sharply away from his hand and let a small noise escape his mouth. When he had recognized Remus behind him, he pinked a bit and muttered some excuse about being startled. It was all so odd. It had subsided within a week, but he had never forgotten the changes in his friend.

The werewolf grasped the t-shirt in his hands tightly and glared at it, a reminder of his conversation. He kicked his bed frame in disgust and let out a string of curse words.

“Quiet, you tosser,” James groaned, pushing his bed hangings aside.

“Sorry. That really fucking hurt.” He glared and James retreated rolling his eyes and issuing a warning. Remus pulled the shirt over his head. He had no sooner pulled the covers up and curled on his side as he remembered.

He had forgotten to brush his teeth. 

Pushing open the door to their dormitory baths, he found Sirius again in the bathroom. In a flurry of movement the dark haired boy’s shirt was on and his face crimson. His eyes looked almost puffy, as if he’d been crying. Remus glared at him and grabbed his toothbrush from the cup by the sink. The other boy grabbed his as well, squeezing toothpaste from the tube onto the bristles. They stood together for a few moments before he spit, his sandy hair brushing into his eyes. As he left the bathroom he pointed a thin finger at Sirius’s torso.

“You’re bleeding.” 

He meant to say it sharply, to leave the room with a final spit, but he just felt hollow, and his voice reflected that. The older boy looked down at his shirt, almost as if he’d known it was there. He resumed his earlier position in bed. The others always said he slept like a wolf, curled in a ball. But his eyes wouldn’t close. Suddenly, he jolted in worry. He had to see the source of the dark spot on his friend's shirt, had to help him, make sure that….

Shit. Shit. SHIT.


End file.
